7 Reasons NOT to Leave Your School
I almost threw away all of my patio furniture. I was about to chuck it right in the dumpster.... 🗑️
Two acacia wood rockers and two low-slung lounge chairs with ottomans and both side tables. Gone.
It’s not that I don’t like them – I actually love the set. It’s mismatched but “goes,” is comfortable, and fits perfectly in our space. None of it is particularly fancy, but it’s sturdy and works.
The problem? We hadn’t taken care of it. So, I’ve been sitting on this furniture, looking at it, thinking it was time for something new. It was worn out and occasionally giving me splinters.… Not unlike how many parents start talking about their child’s school this time of year.
Yes, there’s the excitement of the new year and all the possibility that comes with it. But when something’s not working, there’s also the fatigue and anticipation of having to weather another year of difficulty. The instinct is sometimes to look elsewhere. To take a walk in the hopes of finding some greener grass. To chuck it in the dumpster.
Is that the right approach? Sometimes, but not always.
And while education isn’t quite as simple a project as refinishing furniture, there are a lot of reasons not to jump straight to “we have to find a new school” when things aren’t perfect and you’re getting a few splinters along the way.
Reasons you might want to change schools
Something is going wrong academically – too challenging, not challenging enough, support that’s not aligned with need, or isn’t being delivered as intended, etc.
Something is going wrong socially –not finding their peer group, persistent loneliness
Something is going wrong culturally – you always feel at odds with how and why the school makes decisions, values misalignment, unhealthy student culture
Something is going wrong logistically – your life has changed, the commute is draining, you have three kids going in three different directions every day
Something is going wrong with mental health* – the school isn’t supportive of your student’s mental health needs, is under-resourced, or you see your child’s mental health declining
All of these are good reasons to have your antennae up. AND, depending on the situation, all of them can potentially be rectified by some cleaner and wood oil.
So before you start touring, start here.
Here are seven reasons to stay and work with the problem, before looking for that greener grass (or new furniture):
#7: The urge to find somewhere new is often about our discomfort, not our child’s long-term needs.
When our children are struggling, it’s hard to watch. The quickest way to relieve that discomfort is to change the scenery. To request a new teacher, find a new school, try a new program. Before you jump to greener pastures, I want you to think about whether this is just a hard season or an actual structural mis-match.
Is this temporary? A new skill being built? Healthy stress? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then there is probably value in sticking with it.
Start here: Reach out to the teacher or the school to problem-solve together (not just demand solutions). Real transformation is built on the back of meaningful relationships and “staying” through the tension.
#6: You haven’t made use of all the resources available to you yet.
In my Golden Hour blog posts, I talk about using the beginning and the end of the school year as the perfect time to set a strong foundation, gather data, and put the right pieces into place so we have to do less “editing” later. Taking some time for yourself to articulate your child’s strengths and growth points, as well as the strategies that have worked in the past (and what didn’t) is the first step to understanding fit and if their needs can be met in their current school. Sharing that with the school and asking what they see is the second. Making a plan and testing it together is the third (I’m a huge fan of experimentation as a way to gather useful data).
Start here: If you haven’t done Step 1, start there. If you want some help with this process, I offer a template in Golden Hour 1 & 2. And if you want our help with thinking outside the box for Step 3, you can always:
#5: There are costs to making a change
You pay in energy, time, and sometimes money. Investing in where you are first is a way to compound your ROI. You’ve already put time, energy, and sometimes money into your current school. Don’t make a change until it’s really the right time.
That said, it’s important to avoid the sunk cost fallacy – just because you’ve invested, doesn’t mean you have to stay. That can be a recipe for disaster. But please do consider that a move comes with its own costs and you need to weigh those alongside the benefits of a change.
Start here: Go back to your why. Why did you choose this school in the first place? Was it your local neighborhood school and you wanted to raise your child in the community? Has that benefit waned or turned out not to be what you thought it would? Understanding what used to be true and whether it is or isn’t anymore is the right starting point. Evaluate your pros and cons against what’s really important.
#4: Motivation is internal work, not external.
Because motivation grows from values, not pressure, a school change isn’t a magic bullet of “inspiration”. I have never seen a disengaged student re-engage just because they walk into a new building. Motivation comes from feeling known and connected to something that matters to them. So yes, good teachers matter. Being at a school that aligns with your values matters. But if those two things exist, then a school change isn’t going to produce the shift you’re hoping for. More on that in Why Teens Struggle with Motivation.
Start here: Find something your child cares about, and seek out an adult or activity at school that connects to it. Facilitate the connection and see what comes from it.
#3: Self-advocacy can be a game changer
Because self-advocacy travels with your child anywhere, this is one of the best tools you have for building a strong, confident, interdependent child who can be a part of their own solutions. Speaking up, asking for help, and naming what you need are invaluable skills and if your child doesn’t have them yet, this is a great place to start. Your child’s ability to self-advocate takes some of the pressure off you having to be in every room with them. If they already have the skill of advocating with diplomacy, then it’s time for us to have a deeper conversation about fit. But until then, that’s a great thing to focus on.
Start here: Notice one place where your child is asked a question and looks to you for an answer. Instead of answering for them, help them check in on what they think and feel and find the words to express it.
#2: A 504 or IEP levels the playing field
If your child’s struggles are academic, social-emotional, or related to mental health and ANY of those things are impacting their ability to access their education, then the answer may be a new intervention, not a whole new school. If they already have a 504 plan or an IEP, then it may be time for a revision. And if they don’t, it may be time to get one. Formalizing support is often quicker and more effective than starting over somewhere new. Getting accommodations doesn’t have to be stressful, and even though the special education landscape in this country is shifting, the law still protects their right to a Free and Appropriate Public Education.
Start Here: Ask the school, in writing, what supports are currently in place for your student and whether they are being implemented as written, and then request an update meeting.
#1: A new school year brings new rituals, new traditions, and new opportunities for belonging
New students come every year. Each teacher has their own way of building a classroom culture and creating opportunities for students to find “their people”. Belonging is built in small, repeated moments: Morning Circle, free play together at recess, or a shared interest in kiwi fruit leather (Rituals in Schools and How a Long Recess Creates Strong Humans). And it’s hard to be patient and let belonging develop when you're frustrated and your child is lonely. And I don’t want to brush aside bullying, exclusion, and un-solveable cultural misalignment. Those require a different level of discernment and attention. But for a child who just hasn’t found “their place” yet, time may be part of the solution.
Start here: Ask your child which part of their day they'd miss if you made a swap. Their answer will give you some insight into what’s working and what’s not.
When to change schools
Sometimes refinishing the furniture doesn’t work. When a school genuinely can't meet your child's needs, staying the course can make things worse.
If you've tried all the “Start Here” tips above and your’e still feeling a mismatch, then it’s probably time to really analyze the problem and start working towards a productive, intentional change. A thoughtful, well-supported transition can make all the difference in that case. If you'd like a partner to brainstorm with, reach out and we'll think it through together.
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*If mental health is an ongoing concern and they may need a therapeutic school or placement, schedule a call and we can help you think through your options. If your student is in an immediate crisis, please reach out to their providers or call 911.
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Rebekah Jordan, M.Ed., is founder and partner at Crossbridge Consulting, where she helps families navigate school placement, therapeutic programs, and the decisions that come with a child who needs something different