The School Search Starts With How You See Your Child
My Kid's a Square: What Happens When Parents Stop Trying to Round the Edges
What if a parent just said, my kid's a square.
We are not going to try to smooth their edges to make them round. We are going to teach them to be their authentic selves, and how to navigate a round world.
Two kinds of parents come to me for a school search
When parents come to me for help with a school search, they tend to fall into two groups. One truly "sees" their kid and wants them in an environment where they can continue to feel "seen," be free to make mistakes, try new things, and grow as humans and learners. This often means an environment that can hold some of their social-emotional deficits, learning disabilities, and/or anxiety. Those schools have programming to meet these needs, and they work with the student to progress despite them. The other is trying to position their kid for an outcome the parent wants, which is usually the better college. They lead with the strengths and diminish or dismiss the challenges. They are not seeing their child in the present. They are trying to set them up. That second perspective does not do their child a service, and it does not land them in the best-fit school.
A mom who "sees" her kids
I had a call with a mom last week who "sees" her kids. She "sees" them for all of their good, their strengths and their gifts, and for all of their challenges as well. Challenges with their mental health. Challenges with navigating a world not quite built for them.
She gave me permission to share how she sees her daughter: a drama queen, who craves calm, but creates chaos. "Some day," she said, "she will use her theatrical talents to have a beautiful career. But what I need from her today is to make and keep friends, and to be kinder to her younger brother."
Most parents, on the other hand, struggle to truly "see" their children that way. It is not that they love their kids any less. They love them just as much. They are equally trying to set their kids up to live full and independent lives. They are going about it very differently.
The parent who is present
One parent embraces who their child is today, with all of the flaws and imperfections, and gifts. They are present in the now. Not that the now is easy, or free from challenge. But they "see" their child's needs, they listen to them, and they validate their feelings. They don't compare their child to others. They accept their child for who they are in their entirety. They don't future worry as much. They are in the present day, celebrating the wins for the day, problem solving for the things that need care and attention, advocating, setting boundaries.
That parent is not doing less. Acceptance gets mistaken for lowered expectations. It is not that. This mom sits in the IEP meeting, speaks to her daughter's school counselor (almost daily), advocates for her needs, and holds her accountable. She keeps strong boundaries, despite her daughter's attempts to wear them down. What differs between the two parents is that one is focused on the destination and the other is paying attention to the present.
The parent who is focused on the outcome
The other parent is more worried about the future. The outcome. The end game. Not the now. The mindset is: if my child doesn't do the thing today, they won't get into the college they want, or the job they want, or find the spouse they want, and they will be unhappy.
So the pieces get put in place to get to the outcome. If they have chosen the outcome as 5, they put into place the 2 plus the 3, or the 1 plus the 4. Tutoring. Extra coaches. All the things. But what if the child doesn't conform to the 1 plus the 4, or the 2 plus the 3? Maybe the 5 wasn't the appropriate outcome for their child in the first place. Or maybe the 5 isn't achievable today, but becomes achievable as things change.
The square and the round hole
What happens instead is a square getting pushed through a round hole. The child feels the pressure. The child feels the push. All along they feel like a square and wish they were round. The parents aren't satisfied, and the child knows it.
The child feels deep down that they are measuring up to their parents expectations. They feel less than, and that something is wrong with them. This is unfortunate and unfair.
Choosing a school after residential treatment or wilderness therapy
This is where the difference shows up most.
A student finishing wilderness therapy or a residential treatment program has changed – they have more emotional insight and understand themselves better. The family has changed too as they have engaged in family therapy and developed better communication skills and emotional fluency. The outcome-focused parent views their child’s time in treatment as an unfortunate setback, something to recover from, and worries that it will interfere with the child’s chances to get into as competitive school in the future.
The parent who "sees" their time in treatment as a growth opportunity for all parties involved, including the siblings. They recognize that their child is stronger and that they are stronger as a family. They seek a school where their child will continue to grow intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Who is my kid now, after all of this, and what environment will enable them to continue to progress holistically, socially, emotionally, and academically. The treatment team can usually help answer that. So can the student. The school list that comes out of those conversations looks different from the one the family conceptualized beforehand. And they are ok with that. They are in the here and now.
What changes when you stop trying to control the outcome
What changes when a parent stops future planning and accepts the child for their current needs and strengths? The child feels that their parent accepts them, they feel embraced, and have more confidence in leaning into their authentic selves. They become more accepting of the process. The child was always a square. What changes is that the family stops spending years on a project that was never going to work, and the parent stops being disappointed by an outcome that was not the right one to begin with. They learn to be ok with minor setbacks, because they learn to trust the process.
The Paradox of Parenting
Finding a school where your child will thrive
When a client hires us, the first thing we do is a deep discovery on who your child is. We begin by having long conversations with parents, teachers, coaches, pediatricians, therapists, you get the gist. We meet your child. We learn about their development, how they show up with friends, what their interests are, where they shine, what they have struggled with as people and as learners. We even find out their favorite food. We learn about them in the context of your family and their school.
We read report cards, academic transcripts, psychological reporting. We conceptualize where they will thrive, and begin outreach to prospective schools to ascertain availability. We want to know who they are on their best day, and what support they will need on their worst. Are they an introvert who plays the French horn, rides hunter jumpers, and needs remedial math? Or are they primed for AP Physics, a fencer, and a social justice warrior? Are they a thespian lacrosse player? We make the match that meets their needs, and we also push them to try new things, to find the gifts they never knew they had, or to move through the anxiety that has been holding them back.
The Discovery Framework©
That is the reason the Semi DIY School Search Workshop, set to launch October 2, opens where it does. The first module is the Discovery Framework©, an exercise in identifying you family values who your child is at the core. Not who you hoped they would be. Parents come out of it with language they did not have going in, and that language helps clarify the school direction. To learn more about the Semi DIY School Search Workshop, click here.
Jennifer Benson, MSW, is a partner at Crossbridge Consulting. She is a parent coach and therapeutic educational consultant who works with families whose child, adolescent, or emerging adult is struggling with their mental health. She helps them find hope, possibility, and sustainable change. To contact Jennifer, click here.
