You Can’t Divorce your Co-Parent:
Why separation demands more skill than marriage
January is National Co-Parenting Month, and in honor of that, we’re doing something we’ve never done before: writing publicly, together, about how we’ve raised our son across two homes for nearly two decades.
We are Rebekah and Sean: former spouses, long-time co-parents, and parents to a 17-year-old who has lived between two households since he was two. Rebekah is the founder and co-owner of Crossbridge, and one of the voices you’re used to seeing here and on The Bridge, our weekly newsletter. Sean is R’s dad, an intrepid adventurer, business owner, and former firefighter. He has lived the reality of co-parenting across multiple chapters of his life and brings a pragmatic, lived perspective to this series.
For the past fifteen years since our divorce, we’ve had to figure out how to parent across two households, 2000 miles, and two new relationships, all without making our child carry the weight of our adult choices. Along the way, there were rough patches, mediation, evolving step-parent dynamics (some deeply supportive, some incredibly challenging), and many moments where things could have gone off the rails.
We are not writing because we did this perfectly.
We are writing because we did the work.
Over time, that work resulted in something we didn’t anticipate at the beginning: a stable, respectful co-parenting partnership, and eventually, a real friendship.
No, this isn’t us, but in 20 years it could be!
When Rebekah talks about this publicly, she notices a consistent reaction. People are surprised. Surprised that we respect each other. Surprised that we communicate regularly. Surprised that we show up as a team. That surprise tells us something important: many people still believe that divorce is a get out of jail free card from relational responsibility.
This series exists to challenge that assumption.
Over the next few posts, we’re sharing the Five Rules of Co-Parenting that helped us move through conflict, resentment, and exhaustion toward something far steadier.
The fun part is that these rules apply not only to divorced parents, but to any partnership where adults are working together to support children (teacher / parents, married couples, etc.)
This first post lays the foundation: Communication.
There’s a powerful cultural story that says divorce is a kind of exit ramp. That when parents split up, they also get to emotionally disengage. To communicate less, not more. But our experience has been the opposite.
Once you’re in separate households, communication actually becomes harder. You lose shared context. You lose the ability to casually check in. Everything has to be more intentional. More explicit. More thoughtful.
This aligns with decades of research in family systems and attachment theory. Psychologists like John Bowlby showed that children experience safety through the reliability of their caregivers, not the marital status of those caregivers. When parents separate, the child’s need for predictability and coordinated caregiving doesn’t shrink, it intensifies.
Sure, you get a break from the day-to-day annoyances … the loud chewing, the dishes piling up in the sink, and the constant talk about video games. But the core communication styles will still be front and center.
Sean often says it this way: most people think divorce is about getting away from something. And sometimes it is. You’re moving away from a romantic relationship that no longer works. But it is not a get-out-of-parenting-free card.
You don’t get to disengage.
You get called in more.
“There were times I wanted to pull back and to protect myself by engaging with Rebekah less. But every time I did, it was obvious that disengaging didn’t make things easier. It made them messier. And we could see it in our son’s behavior. ”
All the things you appreciated about the other parent are still there. And all the things that frustrated you are still there too. They just show up differently now, across two homes instead of one.
Staying on the same side, and understanding that separation demands more skill, not less, is the foundation everything else sits on. Without it, even the best communication strategies collapse under stress.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This makes sense, but why does it still feel so hard? “ you’re not alone.
Looking back, most of the moments that went sideways for us weren’t because we didn’t know what to say. They happened because one of us was overwhelmed, tired, or anxious… and we forced ourselves to talk anyway.
That insight matters, because it points to something deeper than communication technique.
Good communication requires good self-regulation.
Neuroscience-informed clinicians like Dan Siegel emphasize that our ability to collaborate under stress depends far more on the state of our nervous systems than on the quality of our intentions. When adults are dysregulated, even simple conversations break down. When adults can regulate themselves, even hard conversations become possible.
When adults can slow themselves down, tolerate discomfort, and keep ego out of the driver’s seat, something else becomes possible: coordination instead of competition, repair instead of rupture, and a child who doesn’t have to choose sides to feel safe.
All of these support:
The Five Rules of Co-Parenting: Simple, but not Easy
The kids' needs come first. Kick your ego to the curb.
Don’t compete. Not for time , not for attention, not for status.
Discuss first, share after. Kids are not messengers.
Let the kids be where they are.
Learn how to apologize -- for real.
In the next installment of this series, we’ll explore the first rule of co-parenting: “Kids come first,” and why learning to tolerate discomfort (especially the ache of missing your child) may be one of the most protective things a parent can do.
In the meantime, if you’d like to explore some of the research and thinking that have informed our parenting, this piece, and the rest of the series, you can explore the resources below:
John Bowlby’s work on attachment & attachment theory
Foundational work on how children experience safety through reliable, responsive caregivers, regardless of family structure.Dan Siegel’s work on child development and emotional regulation
The Developing Mind and Parenting from the Inside Out
Explores how adult nervous system regulation directly impacts a child’s emotional security and capacity to cope with stress.John Gottman & Julie Gottman’s work on relationships, family systems, and post-divorce family function
Highlights the importance of reduced conflict, mutual respect, and clear parental roles in children’s long-term adjustment.E. Mark Cummings’ work on parental conflict
Demonstrates that children are harmed less by divorce itself than by ongoing parental conflict and emotional triangulation.