Discuss First, Share After: Kids are not Messengers
In Rule #1, we asked parents to put their egos in the backseat and to keep returning to the same grounding question: What does my child need?
In Rule #2, we asked parents to let go of competition – whether for time, attention, or status – because competition pulls the focus away from the kids and toward the adults.
Rule #3 builds on both of those ideas with a micro-lens on communication.
At first glance, it looks like two separate rules:
Discuss first. Share after.
Kids are not messengers.
But they both stem from the same root: children should not be responsible for managing adult relationships.
When that line gets blurry, our kids have to step into roles they were never meant to hold.
Why This Rule Matters So Much
We’ve already talked about the fact that self-regulation, communication, and collaborating are the cornerstones of successful coparenting relationships.
When parents don’t talk directly to each other, communication doesn’t actually disappear. It just reroutes.
Through the child.
Through tone.
Through silence.
Through passive-agressive questions and carefully worded comments.
And kids are extremely sensitive to this.
Developmental psychologist Joan Kelly, whose research focuses on children in separated and divorced families, was explicit about this risk. She wrote that children are at high risk when they feel “caught in the middle of parental disputes, pressured to take sides, or exposed to ongoing parental hostility.”
That phrase, “caught in the middle”, is doing a lot of work.
Discuss First
“Discuss first” means that adult conversations belong with adults.
This can include:
Changes to schedules.
Disagreements about rules.
Concerns about school, activities, money, travel, or transitions.
Requests from your child for new privileges or technology.
All of these conversations should happen privately, between co-parents, before anything is shared with the child.
It’s not about secrecy or hiding anything.
It’s about containment and helping your child feel safe in your collective parenting.
When parents discuss things first, and wait to share decisions, they give themselves the space to:
work through their own reactions
identify where emotion or insecurity might be driving the conversation
find common ground or at least a respectful way forward
Children are not comforted by partial information or disagreements. They’re comforted by clarity and steadiness.
If you’re trying to adopt this as a new practice, you may get met with badgering or complaints about needing to wait for a response. But it’s a good exercise in patience for both the kids and the adults.
Share After
“Share after” is the companion to “discuss first.”
Once parents have discussed and aligned (or at least agreed to disagree and come to a clear answer to the current challenge), then you can share with your child in a way that is age-appropriate, calm, and consistent.
That doesn’t mean you have to agree with your co-parent on everything. It does mean presenting a consistent message without undermining each other through side comments. The disagreements have to stay in the parenting space.
When kids hear:
“I don’t know, ask your mom/dad”
“I would, but your other parent doesn’t want you to …”
“Let me know what they decide.”
they’re being asked to be a middle man and there’s an implied message that there is still room for negotiation or pitting one parent against the other.
No matter how old or mature they are, this isn’t a fair position to put them in.
Kids Are Not Messengers
It’s so easy to get sloppy with this one.
It can feel like an efficient shortcut.
It can feel unavoidable when schedules are tight.
It can even feel respectful and like you’re honoring your child’s voice.
But asking kids to relay information between parents puts them in a loyalty bind, whether we intend it or not.
Family systems research has been clear about this damage for decades. Triangulation may reduce tension in the short term, but it does so at the child’s expense and can cause major behavioral challenges in the long term.
Kids who are placed in this “in-between” role often become:
hyper-aware of adult emotions
overly responsible
anxious about saying the “wrong” thing
manipulative and habituated to capitalizing on loopholes
They learn that relationships are managed through indirectness instead of clarity.
That’s not a lesson most of us want to pass down.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Discussing first and sharing after often requires slowing things down.
It might mean:
saying “Let me talk with your other parent and get back to you”
resisting the urge to explain your disagreements
tolerating your own discomfort while you work something out privately
This is especially hard when emotions are running high, or when one parent feels blindsided, rushed, or defensive.
And that’s when it’s time to turn the book back a page and look at the first two rules:
Rule #1 reminds us to ask what the child needs.
Rule #2 reminds us not to compete for position or alignment.
When parents consistently discuss first and share after, kids learn that:
adults handle adult problems
conflict can exist without chaos
clarity is possible even when things are hard
They don’t have to manage the emotions of their two households.
They get to focus on being kids.
This rule doesn’t eliminate conflict, challenge, or disagreement.
It just puts a box around it, containing the emotions to the adult space.
And containment is one of the greatest gifts co-parents can offer.
In the next post, we’ll turn toward Rule #4: Let the kids be where they are. This is one of the hardest rules to “follow” just because of the way absence pulls on our heartstrings. We’ve both certainly been there and while we don’t have perfect answers for managing it, we definitely have plenty of experience to share.
In the past few posts, we’ve provided a list of “Recommended Reading”. This time, we’re providing some resources for the listeners in the audience. Here are some podcast recommendations for those of you who prefer an audio experience:
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
A practical, parent-friendly resource with episodes on co-parent communication, boundaries, and the hidden ways children get pulled into adult dynamics.
The High Conflict Co‑Parenting Podcast
Particularly useful for parents navigating tension or power struggles. Offers concrete guidance on direct adult communication and avoiding triangulation.
We Can Do Hard Things
Not a parenting podcast per se, but many conversations model adult-to-adult processing, emotional responsibility, and boundary-holding in ways that directly support Rule #3.