Let Your Kids Be Where They Are

Sean here, taking the opportunity to do a full guest post. I’ve enjoyed being a part of this series for Crossbridge, and welcome the chance to share my perspective a little more fully here.

Whether you and your co-parent share a long-distance or an across town parenting plan, it’s important to let the kid(s) be where they are, both figuratively and literally. Even the most cooperative, well intended custody schedule can leave children confused and with a feeling of loss, dysregulation, or being untethered.

I remember for the longest time, our son, R, wished he could live with all of his parents, in a big house, and he could just go between them as he wanted. This was tough to see and hear, it often made me wonder if maybe R wasn’t getting what he needed while at his other house. For Rebekah and I, it took careful conversations and extreme self-discipline to discuss between us how we were handling R’s emotions. 

Often, the child can’t name what’s “wrong” or what they need. This is especially true when they are younger, they don’t have an emotional vocabulary, and their behaviors are their main form of communication. Our job, as their parents, is to figure out what’s best for our children.

If you find that you can’t come to an agreement, get help. Through careful conversations, a little help here and there, and putting our child’s needs first, Rebekah and I began to build trust. This allowed us to be able to let our child be where they were, even when they were with their other parent.

But even the best intentions, don’t change the fact that as the adults we miss our kids when they’re not with us, and we miss the relationship we’re building with them. We naturally work to maintain connection as much as possible.

As our parenting plan changed into a long-distance plan, we tried things like a weekly FaceTime schedule. Often R wasn’t into this. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see the parent who he wasn’t with, it was just tough and confusing for him. We saw a kiddo who was frustrated and resistant. But he was feeling torn and sad. As he got older, he was able to discuss with us how he just wanted to be where he was and that it was too hard to see the other parent, because he missed them.

(We don’t take for granted the fact that we have open enough communication with our child that he feels comfortable and safe telling us these things. It wouldn’t be possible if he was worried about how he might make us feel.)

It’s really about reading your kiddo. Younger children may benefit from a more regular contact schedule, and older ones may pull back and want to be where they are. Fostering your relationship with your co-parent allows you to put your child’s needs first.

My other two children, ages seven and nine, are at different points in their need/desire to see their mom while spending time with me. My nine-year-old is pulling more away, while my seven-year-old still likes to FaceTime on occasion, although, the FaceTiming often results in dysregulation. Their mom and I are still navigating these waters, trying to find the balance of what is best for our children.

The important thing to remember is to keep the discussion between you and your co-parent. Don’t set the other parent up to look like the bad parent, don’t send the kids with a message. If you can’t agree on a FaceTime frequency, try deferring to your child and what they say feels right.

Often, when asked, my seven- and nine-year-old state that they don’t want to FaceTime with their mom. Similarly, when they are with their mom, they don’t want to FaceTime with me.

Create an environment where your child knows that anytime they want, they can schedule time to connect with their other parent. Let them be where they are and tell you if they want to check in with their other house. Work to build trust and a cooperative relationship with your child’s other parent so that you have no doubts about their well-being.

Letting kids be where they are also means not asking them to be the go-between two houses. There’s nothing wrong with passing along a quick “Tell your Mom, I said hi!” but asking them to carry substantive messages, especially about expectations, rules, or schedules isn’t fair. Messages between adults need to travel between adults.

Trust that the other parent wants what’s best for your child, as you do. Put aside your ego, get help if need-be and know that your child is getting what they need by spending quality time with the person you chose to create them with.…

Thanks again for staying with us this month — it’s been a privilege to be here with you.

-Sean