From an RTC to The Frick: Repairing Our Relationship After Residential Treatment
How do you go from an RTC to The Frick? Slowly. And with more separation than either of us should have had.
The Decision Only I Could Make
If I could convey how strained my relationship with my son was… it was bad. I didn't trust him, and he didn't trust me. As his sole parent, I was the keeper of the gates, and the person who made the decisions. My husband, his stepfather, and my mother and father, his grandparents, all had a voice, but the buck stopped with me. It was me who made the ultimate decision to send him to residential treatment when he was 11.
The Void He Left Behind
A friend of mine, Kathy, a writer of stories, recently reshared a piece she wrote back then about her family's feelings when my son left: the loss she and her son, my son's closest friend, felt about the void he left behind. And it was a void. My beautiful boy, at such a tender age, thousands of miles away.
Shangri-La: Grant’s Goodbye
I lived what many of my clients are currently living, feeling the same sadness, guilt, and loss that I did 13 years ago. I know that feeling, and that feeling is why, when I have a tween or teen client, I don't recommend residential placement lightly. It is a last resort.
What I Tell Parents Before They Send Their Child Away
It will be hard, even traumatic
I tell these parents the truth: sending their child away will be exceptionally hard, even traumatic, for both of them. I don't soften that, because pretending otherwise helps no one.
Safety comes first
For some families, it can be the way to keep a child safe and get them on a path toward the skills to build a life of purpose and meaning. Safety is the floor everything else is built on.
The relationship can heal
The relationship can mend. While your child is in program, you are both learning skills, skills that let you be in better relationship with one another. The distance is not the end of the story. Often, it is the beginning of a different one.
From an RTC to The Frick
My son and I now have a deeply connected, trusting relationship. I am beyond grateful for it. He lives on the other side of the country, so when we are together we are intentional about our time.
He was visiting recently with a renewed interest in the riches of New York City. He loves antiquities and is keen on seeing them in museums. I never particularly enjoyed viewing antiquities, but I have a new appreciation for them, seeing them through his eyes as well as through their collectors'. Over the past few weeks we spent time with the collections at the Frick and the Morgan Library. We ate at restaurants I never would have chosen and loved every one, including Georgian (not the state, the country that was once a Soviet republic).
"I'd rather spend it with you"
Two days before he was scheduled to leave, he said, "Hey mom, I'm leaving in two days. I could spend my time going to the gym, or with you. I'd rather spend it with you. Do you want to go on a hike?"
We are super connected in head and heart. We endured separations that no parent or child should, but the work we did along the way planted seeds, seeds that have surfaced and materialized over the years as he has matured into a man and I have gained experience and wisdom.
He heads back to Idaho now, where he lives and goes to school. I hold our precious time together, and can't help feeling jealous of friends whose adult children live nearby. But we raise our children to live their dreams, and my child loves living in Idaho at the moment. I can't help dreaming that the antiquities and the culture he is drawn to, the ones that live in Manhattan, might pull him back.
You Have Not Lost Your Child
What a gift these past few weeks were. I tell you about them to give you hope. You have not lost your child, the one you sent to treatment. You have opened the path back to them.
By Jennifer Benson, MSW — partner at Crossbridge Consulting. Jennifer guides families through therapeutic and educational placement decisions, work shaped by both her clinical training and her own experience as a parent. Click here to learn more about Jennifer.
