The Glass Siblings: The Hidden Heroes in Our Families

Parenting Strategies and SupportResource RecommendationsThe Therapeutic Process

Aug 9

When a family comes to me sharing the story of their child who is struggling, I also ask, "And, how is this impacting you, their parents, your marriage, and especially their siblings?"

As a clinical social worker trained in family systems, I look at the health of the entire family system. When one child struggles, requiring more of their parents' attention and emotional energy, the siblings will be impacted. It's not a matter of if – it's a matter of how.

The Invisible Children

In the book Autism Out Loud, which I highly recommend even if you don’t have an autistic child, the authors spoke eloquently about the impact their children with autism had on their siblings. But this reality extends far beyond autism. This is true for the siblings of kids with behavioral challenges, anxiety, depression, ADHD, learning disabilities, and countless other struggles that require extra family resources and parental attention.

These siblings may become what researchers call "glass children" – invisible and as transparent as glass. : They learn early that their needs come second, that their struggles might seem insignificant compared to their sibling's crisis, that being "the easy one" is both their role and their burden.

Alicia Meneses Maples, who refers to herself as an adult "glass child," helped define this term through a TEDx talk she gave in 2011. She didn't coin the phrase, but her presentation helped bring recognition to the experience of siblings of people with mental or physical disabilities, and the term has circulated on social media ever since.

When Grief and Joy Collide

In Autism Out Loud, the authors, Kate Swenson, Adrian Wood, and Carrie Cariello, reflect on how people, though well-intentioned, diminish their burden of having a child with disabilities by pointing out that they are fortunate to have other children who are neurotypical. As if having neurotypical children should "cancel out" the pain of one who isn't developing typically. But as Kate Swenson wrote, it doesn't work that way. There's joy that some children are developing typically, and simultaneously anger, heartbreak, and worry that one is not. Collectively the three authors, wrote how grief, joy, love, and heartache all exist at the same time.

It's incredibly hard to watch how growth and development seems so effortless for children while being so challenging for their sibling. For parents, it's particularly painful to watch your younger neurotypical children "leapfrog" your older non-neurotypical child – the younger sibling who surpasses their older brother in physical development milestones, who has a plethora of friends while their sibling struggles to make one, who effortlessly navigates social situations that feel impossible for their sibling.

Parents watch their younger child get their driver's license while their older sibling may never learn to drive. Friends come naturally while their sibling sits alone at lunch. Academic achievements flow easily while their sibling battles with their learning disability. Each milestone becomes bittersweet – celebration mixed with grief.

The Weight The Siblings Carry

Siblings of children with disabilities or mental health challenges are asked to carry weights that most children never should. They're expected to be strong, to expect the unexpected, to advocate for their siblings and also for themselves. Most of all, they learn that life isn't fair from a very early age. And we need to remember that they're still children themselves.

As Emily Holl, director of the Sibling Support Project, explains in The New York Times, "The first thing is to recognize that the sibling experience parallels the parents' experience." Like adults, children desperately want information about their siblings' health and behavior, but they're often excluded from the conversations parents have with doctors, social workers and therapists, often leaving them confused and feeling left out.

Parentification happens when siblings are forced to assume adult-like responsibilities. Your neurotypical child can't help but carry worry about their sibling with the disability. They become interpreters, protectors, and advocates before they've even figured out their own identity. Unfortunately, this premature responsibility can impact their stress levels and emotional development in profound ways.

What's particularly heartbreaking is that parentification happens despite parents' best efforts to shield their neurotypical child from responsibilities. It's something that well-intentioned and mindful parents can't prevent from happening. Even when parents work hard to protect their other children from taking on adult roles, the very nature of living with a sibling who has significant needs creates this dynamic naturally.

Social challenges follow them outside the home. They experience bullying when kids make fun of their sibling's difference. They field questions they don't know how to answer, like "Why is your brother so weird?" They endure the embarrassment on their soccer field when their sibling runs onto the field flailing themselves into the goal net, as Adrian Wood described her son did during his sibling's soccer game. They navigate friendships complicated by family obligations and the unpredictability of their sibling's needs.

Invisible grief becomes their constant companion. They grieve the "normal" family they sometimes wish they had. They feel guilty for that grief. They grieve the sibling relationship they might have wanted. They carry the weight of family stress, financial strain, and their parents' exhaustion.

The Gifts Hidden in the Struggle

Yet something remarkable often emerges from these challenges. Siblings of children with disabilities frequently become extraordinary humans – not despite their experience, but because of it.

According to Gina DeMillo Wagner, a glass sibling herself, in Psychology Today, while some studies show that siblings of kids with disabilities suffer more from depression and anxiety, others point to the sibling's strength and independence, their increased capacity for empathy and emotional intelligence. Glass children are incredibly tough and resilient.

They develop patience and kindness that astounds adults. They notice when someone is left out, when someone needs help, when someone is different and being treated poorly. Simple acts of inclusion and empathy become second nature to them because they've witnessed the glaring absence of these things in their sibling's life.

Many offer help without being asked. They prepare their sibling's breakfast, read them a story, or buckle them into their car seat. They intuitively understand vulnerability and advocate fiercely for those who can't advocate for themselves. They become the children who befriend the lonely kid at lunch, who stand up to bullies, who see beyond disability to the person underneath.

There's No Such Thing as Fair

One of the hardest lessons these siblings learn early is that there's no such thing as fair. Resources, attention, and opportunities aren't distributed equally. Their sibling might get expensive therapies while their own activities get cancelled. Family vacations get planned around one child's needs. Dinners out get interrupted with a meltdown. Emergency calls from school interrupt their important events.

But somewhere in this imbalance, they learn something profound: we are all capable of different things. Fair doesn't mean equal. Love doesn't mean identical treatment. Family means showing up for each other, even when it's hard.

What These Siblings Need

Recognition: Their experience matters. Their struggles are real, even if they're not the "identified patient" in the family.

Their own support: They need counseling, support groups, and adults who can focus solely on them without the conversation turning to their sibling's needs. The Sibling Support Project, founded in 1990, is the first national program dedicated to recognizing, promoting and addressing the life-long and ever-changing concerns of millions of siblings of people with developmental, health, and mental health concerns.

Permission to feel: They need to know it's okay to feel frustrated, sad, or even resentful sometimes. These feelings don't make them bad siblings or bad people.

Their own identity: They need opportunities to be seen as individuals, not just as someone's sibling. Their interests, talents, and dreams matter independently.

Respite: They need breaks from being the helper, the interpreter, the strong one. They need time to just be kids.

For families where the struggling child's mental health or behavioral challenges can be addressed through therapeutic intervention, seeking that help becomes crucial for everyone involved. Developing an appropriate therapeutic plan that gives the "identified patient" the skills and tools they need can create profound benefits that ripple throughout the entire family system. When the child with special needs makes progress, it naturally reduces the burden on their siblings and creates more space for the whole family to thrive. Rebekah and I at Crossbridge Consulting can support you in determining what effective interventions might look like for this child and for your family.

Preventing Glass Child Syndrome

For parents, it's important to remember that just because one child has special needs doesn't mean that another child's needs are not just as important – only that these needs differ from child to child.

Making an effort to provide one-on-one time each day to make sure a child feels emotionally heard and validated is crucial. As Emily Holl from the Sibling Support Project notes, "It can also be profoundly nourishing for siblings to have short intervals of one-on-one time with their parents."

Other important strategies include exploring social outlets for children, limiting the parentification of "healthy" children, and celebrating each child's accomplishments. It's important for siblings to know that they're not alone. The Sibling Support Project administers Sibshops – peer support groups that use play-based activities to help siblings of children with disabilities. Participants tend to be between 8 and 13, although some are as young as 6.

A Family Systems Perspective

With a social worker’s lens, when I work with families, I'm looking at how each person's needs are being met – or not met. The child with special needs isn't the only one who matters. The siblings aren't just supporting characters in someone else's story.

Healthy family systems find ways to nurture every member. They create space for the glass child to become visible again. They acknowledge that loving a child with special needs means loving their siblings too – with the same intentionality, the same fierce protection, the same commitment to their wellbeing.

Moving Forward

If you have a child who requires extra support, please don't forget their siblings. Ask them how they're doing – really ask, and listen to the answer. Create one-on-one time that belongs only to them. Acknowledge their sacrifices and validate their feelings.

Consider counseling that includes the whole family. Look for sibling support groups. Remember that your "easy" child might not be as easy as they seem – they might just be really good at carrying heavy things quietly.

These glass siblings often grow up to be some of the most compassionate, resilient, and emotionally intelligent people you'll ever meet. But they shouldn't have to sacrifice their childhood to get there.

They deserve to be seen, heard, and supported just as fiercely as the sibling who needs extra help. Because in the end, they're all your children, and they all deserve to know that their needs matter too.

If this resonates with you and you think a friend may benefit from reading it, please share. And know that Rebekah and I are here to support you, your child with struggles, and their siblings, too!