"Your Children Are Not Your Children": Why Your Neurodivergent Kid Is Not a Problem to Fix
Khalil Gibran's line, "They come through you but not from you," has lingered in my brain since my friend gave me The Prophet in high school. I wrote about this last year. The concept is that your child is their own person, and you can't mold them or change them to your will or into who you think they should be.
I've been thinking about this in the context of neurodivergent children, which I've been writing about for the past few weeks. Not all children with ADHD or autism struggle academically or socially, but a lot do. I ask, is their struggle the problem, or is it a societal problem? A cookie-cutter educational system not designed for their brains? Either way, if you have a child who is neurodivergent, they likely will need you to invest time and effort into better understanding them.
Temple Grandin's Work is groundbreaking for Neurodivergent Kids
Temple Grandin's work is a helpful companion to Gibran's poetry, and a wonderful resource for learning about your child’s neurodivergent brain, and how they navigate the world. One of the central concepts she discusses throughout her writing and talks, is that society tends to fixate on deficits in autistic kids rather than build on their strengths, the very strengths that can turn into meaningful work - work in which they will not only find success, but also joy. She reminds us that different brains think in different ways, and that our education and our expectations should flex accordingly.
Three Generations of Neurodivergence: A Personal Story
As I've written about over the past few weeks, three generations of "different" in my own family. My grandmother didn't have language like ADHD or autism. She just knew her son needed movement and freedom and museums more than he needed to sit still in school. She worked with his strengths, not his deficits, as Grandin suggests.
Unfortunately, my approach with my son was more deficit-directed. Diagnoses, IEPs, coaching, endless supports, me following society's rules for him, the four-year college leading to a good job (hopefully with good health insurance coverage). I parented from a place of anxiety, not faith that he would do well (subjective, not objective, I know) because of his innate strengths and gifts.
The World Is Shifting Faster Than We Realize: AI and Neurodivergent Strengths
Meanwhile, right before our eyes, the world as we know it is shifting. AI is already eating many of the highly structured jobs we used to describe as "good careers." Just ask my daughter who got a bachelor's degree in computer science - so much for encouraging her to code, and explore a field (soon to be irrelevant due to AI) in which there were so few women. The mindset that you must have a four year degree to compete or succeed in life, is coming more and more into question.
We know that the careers that are safest from AI are those that require hands-on care and therapy (nurses, doctors, mental health practioners), early childhood and classroom educators, skilled trades and field work (carpenters, plumbers, constuction workers), leadership, strategy and complex stakeholders, creative originators, or spiritual roles, or human-tech bridge specialists. These paths require many of the skills that neurodivergent folks are particularly good at, including creativity, deep focus, complex problem-solving, and genuine human connection.
what Adults on the Autism Spectrum show us is possible
In her book Developing Talents, Grandin profiles autistic adults who've built successful lives and careers. She shows how they turned childhood obsessions into actual work … the kid fixated on trains became a transit engineer, the one obsessed with weather patterns became a meteorologist. Grandin points out that these people didn't get there accidentally, they had help. They had people in their lives who taught them the social rules explicity, not assuming that they'd just "pick it up." They needed mentors who understood how their brains worked and helped them leverage their strengths instead of trying to fix their deficits.
Many of the neurodivergent kids who come our way haven't had that. They haven't been encouraged to explore their fixations as potential careers. They haven't been taught social skills deliberately. And they haven't had mentors like them to show the way. That's where we come in. I love that at Crossbridge we can connect them with supportive programs, mentors, and resources to help them fulfill their purpose.
What This Means for Parents of Neurodivergent Children
So what does all this mean practically?
It means loosening your grip on the idea that there's one "right" way to grow up. It means asking "Who is this person in front of me, and how does their mind actually work?" instead of "How do I get them to act like everyone else's kid?"
Alternative Educational Paths for Neurodivergent Teens
It means exploring paths that might not have been on your radar: trade schools, apprenticeships, gap years, community college, specialized programs that understand neurodivergent brains.
Teaching Life Skills to ADHD and Autistic Children
It means teaching practical life skills early. Provide them with opportunities to volunteer, and learn work skills. Volunteer jobs help neurodivergent people learn work skills by offering real responsibilities in lower‑stakes, more flexible environments, where expectations can be adjusted and supervisors are often more open to coaching and gradual skill‑building. Through volunteering, they can practice workplace routines, like showing up on time, communicating with supervisors, managing sensory or executive function demands, and collaborating with others, while discovering what kinds of tasks and environments fit their strengths before stepping into paid work.
Don't assume your kid will know how to navigate a social situation. Practice social scripts with them, literally role-play ordering at a restaurant, asking a teacher for help, or introducing themselves to someone new. Teach them to say please and thank you. Teach them how to advocate for themselves, politely and appropriately. "I need a quieter space to work" or "Can you repeat that more slowly?" Teach them boundaries, including social boundaries. No, it's not okay to hound a romantic interest who has rebuffed you multiple times with persistent texts. That's not persistence, that's crossing a line. Teach them how to manage sensory overload, recognizing when you're overwhelmed and excusing yourself appropriately to take a minute. "I need a quick break, I'll be back in five." Most importantly, teach them how to navigate workplaces and relationships. How to read a room. When it's appropriate to share and when it's not. How to disagree respectfully. How to repair when you've messed up. These skills are not intuitive for your neurodivergent kiddo. They require explicit teaching, practice, and role playing. Over and over.
Doing the Grief Work: Letting Go of Expectations
And it almost always means doing some grief work around the story you carried about who your child would be so you can show up fully for the kid you have - with all their imperfections, and also their strengths. We encourage you to do your own emotional work around this - participating in therapy will help you process the grief you may have around how your child struggles, and how they may not have the “life” you envisioned for them.
“They Come Through You, But Not From You": Accepting Your Child As They Are
Gibran reminds us that our children have their own lives to live. Your job is not to mold them. Your work is to see them, understand them, protect their dignity, and help them find environments where they can be fully themselves. It’s a bit of letting go of the fantasy of the child you envisioned, and what will result is a deeper understanding of your child, a more authentic connection with them. It may not be what you planned, but it will be just right for them.
At Crossbridge, this is the work we do every day. Helping families shift from "How do we fix this?" to "How do we understand and support this human in front of us?" We look at the strengths and the needs. And then we help you find environments and pathways where those things are assets, not liabilities. Let’s talk soon: Jennifer Benson, MSW.
