What I Learned from an FBI Hostage Negotiator: How to Better Communicate with my Child
Over coffee last week with Dr. Ben Bernstein, a psychologist and friend who supports teens, young adults, and their families, our conversation drifted to his work helping families heal fractured relationships with their teenagers. As he described his approach—meeting teens where they are, genuinely listening without judgment, and helping parents see their children as whole people rather than problems to solve or as he described it … as one of their employees needing to complete the tasks that they've assigned—I found myself thinking of two books. One might seem an unlikely parenting guide: Chris Voss's Never Split the Difference and the Arbinger Institute's The Anatomy of Peace. Though from completely different angles, these two books provide insight into how we best approach our most important relationships—especially with our teenage and young adult children.
I was reminded that I had read Chris Voss's book when listening to The Daily podcast, during which he summarizes some of his core principles. Though its title might appear that it's politically oriented, fear not, it's not! And you might think, what can a former FBI hostage negotiator teach me about having a better relationship with my teen or young adult child? Well, continue to read, and I'll explain.
Empathizing with your teens experience
Like Dr. Bernstein, both Voss and the Arbinger Institute start from the same premise: genuine connection requires really "seeing" the other person. And by "fully seeing," that means seeking to understand another person's emotions, perspectives, and inner world. Voss calls this "tactical empathy"—understanding and acknowledging someone's emotions. He says you don't necessarily have to agree with why someone feels the way they do, but you just need to acknowledge them. The Arbinger Institute frames it as having a "heart at peace"—seeing others as people with inherent value, even if you disagree with their position or point of view. When you have a "heart of peace," you don't view people as obstacles to overcome or problems to fix.
For parents, this shift in perspective can be healing for your relationship with your child. Instead of seeing your teenager's resistance as defiance to crush, you begin to recognize it as communication about something deeper—perhaps a need for autonomy, a fear of disappointing you, or confusion about their changing identity.
When your sixteen-year-old pushes back against your curfew, the surface behavior might look like disrespect. But with Voss's "tactical empathy," you might recognize the deeper message: "I need you to see me as capable and trustworthy" or "I'm trying to figure out who I am separate from your expectations of me." When your teen becomes defensive about grades, it might not be laziness or defiance—it could be anxiety about living up to your standards or genuine overwhelm about managing competing demands.
This reframe doesn't mean accepting problematic behavior, but rather understanding that the behavior is often a teenager's imperfect attempt to communicate something important. Just as Voss learned that hostage-takers weren't simply "bad people" but individuals in crisis with underlying needs and fears, we can begin to see our teenagers' challenging moments as opportunities for deeper connection rather than battles to win.
Asking Open-Ended Questions: Practicing Motivational Interviewing as a Lay Person
You know how therapists use Motivational Interviewing? Chris Voss does something similar with what he calls calibrated questions—open-ended inquiries that begin with "how" or "what" that make people think deeply and reveal their underlying concerns. The power of these questions lies in what they replace: instead of our natural parental instinct to make demands, deliver lectures, or jump straight to problem-solving, open-ended questions create space for conversation, more than “yes” and “no” answers, and provide room for mutual understanding.
When parents make demands ("You need to get at least a B in that class") or launch into lectures ("Let me tell you why getting good grades is important for your future"): we inadvertently trigger our teenager's defensiveness. They feel controlled rather than heard, which often leads to resistance, shutdown, or superficial compliance that doesn't address the underlying issue.
Alternatively, when parents phrase question like, "What's making it hard for you to get your homework done?" instead of "Why aren't you doing your homework?" we give our teen permission to reflect and share their actual experience—maybe they're overwhelmed, struggling with the material, or dealing with social stress that's affecting their focus. The question assumes good intent and invites problem-solving together, while the demand or lecture puts them on the defensive and shuts down communication. These open-ended questions also slow down the conversation, giving both parent and teen time to move past reactive emotions and into genuine dialogue.
This approach aligns beautifully with the Anatomy of Peace principle of helping things go right rather than focusing primarily on fixing what's wrong. By asking questions that invite your teen to problem-solve with you, you're building the relationship while addressing the issue.
Using Connection over Correction
Voss teaches negotiators something interesting—maintain control while creating the illusion of control for their counterpart. In parenting terms, this translates to guiding your teen toward good decisions while allowing them to feel empowered in the process.
The Anatomy of Peace offers something called the Influence Pyramid, which shows that lasting change happens when we invest most of our energy in the foundational levels—building relationships, listening, and understanding—rather than jumping straight to correction. This means spending more time connecting with your teenager and less time trying to directly fix their behavior.
Dr. Bernstein captured this beautifully when he reflected on how some of his most breakthrough moments with struggling teens and their families happened not in his office, but through what he called "non-stressful engagement." He described the power of parents simply going out to dinner with their teenager—phones put away, no lectures about grades or behavior—just genuine interest in who their child is becoming. He talked about the magic that happens when parents engage in play: throwing a ball in the backyard, playing a board game, or even just sitting together watching a movie without an agenda.
These moments of connection, where your teen feels seen and valued for who they are rather than evaluated for what they're doing wrong, build the relational foundation that makes influence possible. When your teenager trusts that you genuinely enjoy their company and see them as more than a collection of problems to solve, they become far more open to your guidance.
Breaking “Out of the Box”
Both books talk about how we get trapped in cycles of self-justification that just escalate conflict. Voss discusses the importance of emotional intelligence and avoiding positional bargaining—that tendency to dig into our position and defend it at all costs rather than focusing on the underlying interests and needs of all parties. The Arbinger Institute describes being "in the box"—seeing others through the lens of our own self-justification rather than as they really are.
Being “in the box” with your teen looks like this: Your teenager comes home past curfew. Instead of staying curious about what happened, you immediately launch into yelling at them for disrespecting your rule. Your teen gets defensive and shuts down. I remember this happening to me when I was sixteen—I responsibly left a party in time to get home to meet curfew, got a flat tire, and received reprimanding over empathy.
For parents, this might look like getting caught in the "Better-Than Box" ("I know what's best because I'm the adult and I have life experience") or the "I-Deserve Box" ("After everything I've done for you, you owe me respect"). When we're in these mindsets, we stop seeing our teenagers as individuals with their own valid perspectives and start seeing them as objects that should conform to our expectations.
These mindsets make us less effective because they close us off from understanding what's actually driving our teenager's behavior, and they damage our relationships by making our children feel unseen and unheard. Breaking out of "the box" requires the humility to ask ourselves: "What if my teenager's behavior makes sense from their perspective? What might I be missing about their experience?"
Creating Safety for Disagreement and Authentic Conversation
Another point that Voss makes is that: people need to feel safe to say "no" before they can genuinely say "yes." When we pressure our teenagers for immediate compliance, we often get superficial agreement. Creating space for them to express disagreement—and really listening to their concerns—builds trust and leads to more authentic cooperation.
This connects directly to the Anatomy of Peace emphasis on listening and relationship-building as prerequisites for influence. Your teenager needs to feel heard and understood before they'll be open to your guidance.
Summarizing These Key Points
Start conversations with curiosity, not conclusions. Instead of "Why didn't you do your homework?" try "What was your experience with the homework assignment last night?"
Label emotions without judgment. "It seems like you're frustrated about something" creates space for your teen to share rather than defend.
Ask for their perspective. "How do you see this situation?" or "What would feel fair to you?" invites collaboration rather than resistance.
Focus on the relationship first. Before addressing problems, invest time in understanding your teen's world, interests, and inner experience. Spend quality time with them free of lecturing. Engage in play!
Check your own heart. In this moment, am I seeing my child as a person I love and want to understand, or as a problem I need to solve?
It's Really All About Love, Not Strategy
The teenage years don't have to be a series of negotiations or battles. When we combine the strategic wisdom of a master negotiator with the heart transformation offered by the Anatomy of Peace, we can have genuine connection with our children. The same principles that resolve hostage situations and organizational conflicts can help us build deeper, more trusting relationships with the people we love most -- our kids.
The difference is in the heart behind the technique. When I ask my teenager "What's making homework difficult for you?" I ask with genuine curiosity because I love them and want to help. When I label their emotions—"It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed"—I'm not doing it to get them to calm down faster so they'll do what I want. I'm doing it because I see them struggling and I want them to feel seen and heard.
Dr. Bernstein put it perfectly during our coffee conversation: "The moment a parent shifts from trying to control their teen to trying to understand them, everything changes. Not because the techniques are magic, but because the teenager can feel the difference in their parent's heart."
That's why both Voss and the Arbinger Institute emphasize that these approaches only work when they come from a place of authenticity. The calibrated questions, the tactical empathy, the "heart at peace"—they're not scripts to follow, but rather, they're expressions of love in action. In learning to see our teenagers as whole people worthy of genuine curiosity, we don't just improve our relationships—we model the kind of humans we hope they'll become.
