Spread Kindness this holiday season: It’s a Protective Factor for You and Your Kid
Last week, I wrote about giving your children the gift of disappointment this holiday season, and I meant it. Teaching resilience matters. Our kids need to learn that we don't always get what we want, and that's okay. Jeez, one year I got coal in my stocking, and frankly, I deserved it, I had been an entitled and ungrateful, little “only child” s**t. My parents let me sit in it for a few minutes, then … then cushioned the blow with a few gifts, but I got the message, and it taught me a good lesson more than just Santa is always watching …
Anyway, just so you don’t think me a heartless grinch, I wanted to balance the message with another type of gift-giving that's equally important for children to learn: the gift of kindness.
Being kind costs nothing and benefits everyone it touches, and there’s real science backing that statement.
Kindness Improves Mental & Physical Health
When we make acts of kindness a regular habit, it doesn't just make us feel good. It measurably improves our physical health.
Studies show that people who volunteer regularly have lower mortality rates, better physical function as they age, lower levels of physical pain, and improved cardiovascular health. In the Baltimore Experience Corps trial, adults over 60 who volunteered tutoring underprivileged kids for 15 hours weekly showed measurable improvements in brain health after just two years. They didn't experience the typical declines in memory and executive function, and even showed changes in brain volume in areas supporting cognitive processes.
Even more striking, high schoolers (yes, those self-absorbed adolescents) randomly assigned to volunteer with elementary school kids for 10 weeks showed improvements in body mass index, inflammatory markers, and total cholesterol. The students who increased most in empathy and altruistic behaviors showed the greatest decreases in cardiovascular risk.
Harvard Health research adds that kindness is linked to improved happiness, greater life engagement, reduced anxiety symptoms, and increased social connectedness. As Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, notes: "If you act kindly toward another, there's also a propagation effect, that person goes on to act more kindly. There's a profound contagiousness to kindness." I love it, as we mask (or not) to avoid the various viruses floating through the air at this time of year, we can spread kindness, and actually improve our resistance to the viruses.
The Broad Impact of Kindness
Kindness is particularly powerful in that it benefits three people at once: the giver, the receiver, and the observer. How so?
· The Giver experiences physiological changes, lower stress hormones, improved cardiovascular markers, better brain health, along with mental health benefits like increased happiness and reduced anxiety.
· The Receiver obviously benefits from the help or gesture itself, but research shows they also experience psychological uplift and are more likely to pay kindness forward.
· The Observer experiences what researchers call "moral elevation." Witnessing kindness inspires them to act more kindly themselves, creating a ripple effect through communities.
This means every act of kindness your child witnesses, whether you're helping a neighbor, being patient with a store clerk, or volunteering together, is training their brain to notice and value kindness.
Training Your Brain to See Kindness
Unfortunately, our brains have a negativity bias. We're wired to notice threats and problems more than positive interactions. This makes evolutionary sense (noticing the tiger saves your life), but in modern life, it means we often overlook the acts of kindness happening around us.
The good news? You can retrain this bias, and the holidays are the perfect time to start!
Practice noticing kindness by:
At dinner, ask everyone to share one kind thing they witnessed that day
Point out when you see strangers helping each other
Name it when someone is kind to your family: "That was thoughtful of her to hold the door"
Acknowledge your child's kind acts matter-of-factly: "You helped your brother with his homework. That was really kind."
The more we notice kindness, the more our brains look for it. This isn't toxic positivity, it's neurological retraining that helps balance the constant stream of stress our children absorb.
Be Kind to Relieve Stress
When we volunteer or engage in acts of kindness, researchers believe it helps buffer our stress response. As Harvard's Laura Kubzansky explains, "Volunteering or doing an act of kindness can distract you from some of the problems that you might be having, so you might be a little bit less reactive yourself. And it may help to give you more perspective on what your own problems are."
Translation for parents: When you're less stressed and reactive, your children feel less anxious. When you're practicing kindness, you're modeling coping skills that don't involve anxiety, anger, or withdrawal.
Protecting Our Kids Through Kindness
Consider what happens when families make kindness a regular practice during the holidays and beyond:
For Parents:
Lower stress and better physical health mean you're more emotionally regulated
Perspective from helping others reduces reactivity to daily frustrations
Physical activity and social connection combat isolation
You model healthy coping that doesn't involve scrolling bad news or venting anger
For Children:
Participating in helping behaviors builds empathy and reduces self-centeredness
Concrete acts of kindness give them agency
Volunteering provides positive social connection outside screens
They learn that they can make things better, not just worry about things being bad
They experience the "contagiousness" of kindness, seeing how their actions inspire others
Their brains are literally being trained to notice positive interactions
Even more important for your neurodivergent kiddos: Acts of service provide structure, concrete tasks, and clear feedback, things neurodivergent children often crave. A child with ADHD can focus on the concrete task of helping sort food at a food bank. A child with autism who struggles with social nuance can experience clear cause-and-effect: "I helped, someone felt better."
How to Build Building Kindness Habits
Start Small and Age-Appropriate:
Bake cookies for a neighbor
Help an elderly person carry groceries
Donate outgrown toys together
Write thank-you notes to teachers
Pick up litter at a local park
Volunteer as a family at a soup kitchen or shelter
This isn’t a one-off, either, you need to be consistent about it. The research shows the health benefits come from consistent practice, not one-time grand gestures. Consider VanderWeele's approach: choose a six-week span each year to be especially intentional about acts of kindness, giving unexpected gifts, inviting someone for coffee, supporting colleagues, doing favors without being asked. The holidays are a natural time to start this practice.
Talk About It (But Don't Over-Praise). Research shows that children who received direct moral instruction about kindness were more likely to help others. Kindness is a skill we cultivate, not something that happens automatically. But don't turn it into a performance: "Look how generous you are!" Instead: "You helped that person. Helping matters."
Notice It Out Loud. Train your family's collective brain to see kindness by pointing it out: "Did you see how that person helped the mom with the stroller?" "Did you notice that lady give up her seat for the elderly person?" "Your teacher was so patient explaining that three times." Pay attention to the kindness.
Model It Yourself. Your children are watching how you treat others. How do you respond to the grocery clerk, the person who cuts you off in traffic, the neighbor with different views? Kindness isn't just what you do, it's how you show up, especially when you’re challenged or frustrated.
Look for Opportunities. VanderWeele's definition challenges us: "A genuinely kind person is always on the lookout for how to contribute to the lives of others. In every conversation, you're wondering what you can do or say to be encouraging or helpful." Model this orientation for your children. Make it a family practice to notice opportunities to contribute to others' lives.
Give the Gift of Kindness this Holiday Season
This holiday season, consider giving your children something more lasting than another toy or gadget. And give them the gift of kindness as a practice, a skill, a way of moving through the world. And, remember … it’s okay for them to be disappointed (see, there’s my grinchiness coming through again!
Resources:
Baumeister, R. F., et al. (2001). "Bad Is Stronger than Good." Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323-370.
Carlson, M. C., et al. (2009). "Exploring the Effects of an 'Everyday' Activity Program on Executive Function and Memory in Older Adults: Experience Corps." The Gerontologist, 49(6), 793-801.
Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., & Spinrad, T. L. (2006). "Prosocial Development." In Handbook of Child Psychology (6th ed., Vol. 3).
Fried, L. P., et al. (2004). "A Social Model for Health Promotion for an Aging Population: Initial Evidence on the Experience Corps Model." Journal of Urban Health, 81(1), 64-78.
Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley: greatergood.berkeley.edu
Harvard Health Publishing: www.health.harvard.edu
Human Flourishing Program at Harvard: hfh.fas.harvard.edu
Jenkinson, C. E., et al. (2013). "Is Volunteering a Public Health Intervention? A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of the Health and Survival of Volunteers." BMC Public Health, 13, 773.
Konrath, S., Fuhrel-Forbis, A., Lou, A., & Brown, S. (2012). "Motives for Volunteering Are Associated With Mortality Risk in Older Adults." Health Psychology, 31(1), 87-96.
Kubzansky, L., Ph.D., Professor of Social and Behavioral Sciences, Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. Featured in Harvard Health Publishing articles on kindness and health.
NPR: "Kindness Vs. Cruelty: Helping Kids Hear The Better Angels Of Their Nature" NPR: "When kindness becomes a habit, it improves our health" Harvard Health: "The healing power of kindness"
Schnall, S., Roper, J., & Fessler, D. M. (2010). "Elevation Leads to Altruistic Behavior." Psychological Science, 21(3), 315-320.
Schreier, H. M., Schonert-Reichl, K. A., & Chen, E. (2013). "Effect of Volunteering on Risk Factors for Cardiovascular Disease in Adolescents: A Randomized Controlled Trial." JAMA Pediatrics, 167(4), 327-332.
VanderWeele, T. J. (2017). "On the Promotion of Human Flourishing." Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 114(31), 8148-8156.
VanderWeele, T. J., Ph.D., Co-Director, Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion, Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. Featured in Harvard Health Publishing articles including "The Healing Power of Kindness."
