School Avoidance or Refusal - What Parents Can Do!

School avoidance or refusal has always been a thing, but ever since the pandemic, during which kids were schooled online – and they fell behind academically and didn’t learn social skills that comes with engaging with peers -- it’s become more common.

It’s not only challenging for the child, but also for the parents and siblings, impacting the entire family system.

What Is School Avoidance?

School avoidance is when a child consistently avoids school due to emotional distress - not defiance or wanting to do something more fun. It often presents as physical complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue. All of these symptoms can be associated with anxiety, and it’s hard to know whether your kid is faking it or not.

It often creeps up on you, with your kid missing a day or two of school, and then before you know it, the school has called and is sending reports with multiple tardies and absences. Recognizing the early signs of school avoidance can help you address it before it becomes entrenched.

In addition to physical complaints, you may notice increased anxiety about school-related topics, crying or tantrums around school time, or expressing hopelessness about school. Behavioral changes can include increased clinginess, regression to younger behaviors, becoming more withdrawn, or is isolating in their room. Academic performance may decline even when your child attends school.

Why Do Kids Avoid School?

The reasons behind school avoidance and refusal are varied. Understanding the "why" is crucial because it shapes how you will move forward in getting your child the support they need.

Academic struggles can make school feel overwhelming and impossible. When a child feels like they're constantly failing or can't keep up, avoiding school becomes a way to escape that daily stress and shame.

Social anxiety or bullying makes school feel unsafe. This might be obvious bullying, but it could also be more subtle social dynamics that leave your child feeling isolated or judged. Micro-aggressions via social media or subtle exchanges in school could impact your child greatly.

Separation anxiety is especially common in younger children or after major life changes, like a move, one parent falling ill, or the birth of a new sibling. The thought of being away from home or family becomes unbearable.

Perfectionism can paradoxically lead to school avoidance. When children set impossibly high standards for themselves, the fear of not meeting them can be paralyzing.

Depression or other mental health concerns often manifest as school refusal before parents recognize other symptoms. The energy required to get through a school day can feel insurmountable when a child is struggling emotionally.

Changes or transitions like starting a new school, a family move, divorce, or other disruptions can trigger school refusal in children who previously attended without problems.

How to Respond

Stay calm. Your child is already experiencing big emotions. Adding your frustration will only escalate things.

Listen first. Ask what's really worrying them before jumping to assumptions or solutions. Don’t try to guess what their struggle is … you may be completely off base … thereby, leaving them feeling misunderstood. Ask "What's the hardest part about going to school today?" Don’t feel uncomfortable by the moments of silence … give them time to think and respond before interjecting what you think might be the problem.

Engage in a Mindfulness Exercise. Practice a mindfulness exercise to calm their (and your nervous system). Box breathing or five senses exercises – choose one that matches the age of your child.

Validate feelings while maintaining expectations. You can acknowledge and validate their distress while also indicating that they are resilient and capable of moving through the hard feelings. Validate. Acknowledge their strength. Set the expectation. “I understand that going to school feels hard, and I know that you are strong and can go. We and your school expect you to go.”

Avoid bargaining or giving in completely. While you want to be compassionate, consistently allowing school avoidance usually makes the problem worse over time. If your child can't manage a full day, consider compromising with a partial day rather than no school at all. The more your child avoids school, the worse their anxiety will get and the more entrenched their school avoidance will become.

Get specific. Help your child identify exactly what they're worried about. "I hate school" is too open-ended. Do you hate your teacher? Do you hate the kids in your class? Is there a subject that you hate more than others? Again, practice active listening and be comfortable with the silence.

Build a Support Team

Building a strong support network is essential for helping your child overcome school refusal.

Start with the school. Contact your child's teacher, guidance counselor, or school psychologist. They will provide insight about what's happening during the school day for your child. Work together to create a plan that may include modified schedules, regular check-ins with trusted adults, or accommodations for managing anxiety.

Consider professional help. If your child has been avoiding school for more than a few weeks or is severely impacting your family, it's time to involve a mental health professional. A therapist who specializes in anxiety and is well-versed in CBT and DBT can help identify what your child is fearful about, challenge their cognitive distortions, and teach them coping strategies. You may need to engage in your own work with a SPACE-trained therapist to learn how to validate your child’s emotions best while not accommodating the anxious behaviors. (At Crossbridge, Jennifer is trained in SPACE.)

Some situations require more intensive intervention or considering alternative educational settings. Contact us to learn more about these options.

Creating a Path Forward

Start small and build gradually. If your child hasn't been attending school regularly, jumping back into full days might feel overwhelming. Consider starting with shortened days, attending just for preferred subjects, or even just driving by the school to reduce anxiety.

Address underlying issues directly. If the refusal stems from academic struggles, get tutoring or request evaluations for learning differences. If it's social anxiety, work on social skills or consider changes to the social environment. You may also consider that your child is spending too much time on social media, which exacerbates social anxiety.

Create positive associations with school. Help your child connect with activities, teachers, or peers they enjoy. Ask the school counselor or social worker if they have organized social groups, and if they can assist your child better navigate peer relationships.

Establish routines that reduce anxiety. Predictable morning routines, preparation the night before, and consistent expectations can help reduce the daily stress around school attendance.

Celebrate small wins. Acknowledge efforts, not just outcomes. If your child manages to get dressed for school or makes it through one class, that's progress worth recognizing.

Moving Forward with Hope

School refusal can feel overwhelming, but it's important to remember that children do recover from this. With the right support, understanding, and interventions, kids can learn to manage their anxiety and return to successful school attendance.