Tips for Communicating with your Teen or Young Adult Child
We're bombarded with messages all day, yet many parents feel less connected to their teen or young adult child than ever. You might text your teen or young adult constantly, scroll through one another’s social media posts, but struggle to have real and meaningful conversations.
Effective communication is "message sent; message received." Too often, family conversations become competing monologues – everyone talking past each other rather than truly connecting. Often, conversations are confrontational, with one person feeling defensive and not heard.
The good news is that there are some tools you can use to create better communication with your child. The bottom line is that you want your child, no matter how old they are, to feel that you are a “safe” person for them to speak to and that your door is always open to listen
Tip ONE: Keep it Clean, Clear, and Concise
Keep your communication clean, clear, and concise. Make simple statements, ask one question at a time, then actually wait for a response. Don't barrage your child with questions before they've had the opportunity to answer. Your child needs space to process and reply - especially if your kiddo has low processing speed, as so many of our children with executive functioning deficits do.
Pay attention to your child's energy and tone. If they're upset and speaking quickly, don't respond in a slow, calm voice that might come across as dismissive. Match their pace to meet them where they are.
Tip TWO: Choose Your Words Carefully
Avoid "you," "you're," or "your" when emotions are high. This puts your child on the defensive. Instead of "You always leave your room a mess," try "I noticed the room needs attention." Instead of "You're being disrespectful," try "I'm feeling unheard."
Before sharing your own experiences, ask yourself: "Why am I sharing this? Does this serve my child's needs...or mine?" Truthfully, they are not interested in your opinion; they want to be heard.
Tip THREE: Listen with curiosity, not judgment
Hearing is a Skill
Try to listen as a "clean slate" without assumptions about what they're thinking or what's best for them. Listen to their words, context, and energy while staying curious.
When your child shares something that surprises or concerns you, be curious about their experience rather than immediately judging it or reacting anxiously. Ask "Tell me more about that" instead of "That's wrong" or "You shouldn't feel that way." Avoid lecturing.
Silence is powerful. Your comfort with quiet moments gives your child space to reflect and share more.
Common Blocks to Hearing Your Child
Judging – Seeing them through your assumptions prevents curiosity
Comparing – "I went through that too" shifts focus from them to you
Mind Reading – Assuming you know what they're thinking
Interrupting – Makes them feel dismissed or rushed
Giving Advice Too Quickly – Robs them of finding their own answers
Deflecting – Changing the subject when things get uncomfortable
Rehearsing – Focusing on your next response instead of listening
Multitasking – Checking your phone sends the message that they're not a priority
Tip FOUR: Check for Understanding
When in doubt, ask:
"What have you heard me say?"
"How is this landing with you?"
"What does that mean to you?"
Tip FIVE: Listen for "The Shift"
Watch for the moment when your child moves from defending to opening up. You'll hear it in their tone changing or words like "I never thought of that" or "Actually..." This is when deeper conversation becomes possible.
Start Small - It Doesn’t Have to be Perfect!
Your goal is to stay connected and be someone safe to talk to. You don’t have to do it perfectly. Start small – try one conversation this week where you focus entirely on hearing rather than responding. Remember to avoid those “listening blocks” and be curious! If they shut you down, don’t get discouraged. Try another time.
